1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
35 - A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
36 - Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
37 - Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
38 - Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
39 - For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
40 - I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
41 - I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
42 - Black holes are where God divided by zero.
43 - I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
44 - On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
45 - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
46 - When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
47 - A metaphor is like a simile.
48 - I once put instant coffee in a icrowave and went back in time.
49 - I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
50 - When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.